so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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