This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
