I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
