How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
