her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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