My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
