everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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