Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
