can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
