Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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