This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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