no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
