oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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