well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It's rum buckets o'clock
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
