toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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