I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
