Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Barsexuality is the new black.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
When did angry sex become our thing?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
