Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
