Sry I called you an 8
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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