i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
