The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
