why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
