Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
