I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
