Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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