I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
