Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
