My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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