I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She's the barista slut.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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