you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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