The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
don't judge my taste in strippers
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just gargled with NyQuil
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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