I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize