My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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