The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
