saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
