Best friends brother. Beat that.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
