Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
