At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
