After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
