it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I know her cup size but not her name....
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