I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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