i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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