70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
