We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
