This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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