I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
