I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
