note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
