wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
