I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize