I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
