Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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