Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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